Tuesday, March 16, 2010

It's your 4th birthday today

Today is the day that my sweet grand baby Seth would have celebrated his 4th birthday. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him and whisper "Granny loves you"! and I have come to the point that I can talk about him without crying- that came with time. I never really know how to feel today!?!? I am happy that he was born- that he was healthy and beautiful and had such a bright future ahead for him... My son and his wife were SO PROUD and HAPPY!! Life was beautiful!! So for today, we celebrated and released balloons for him.
Then the nightmare began... Brandy getting ill and almost losing her life and just when we thought we were out of the woods- the final chapter of that nightmare came on April 3rd, when Seth became an Angel in heaven!
That fateful day, was the home opening game of the Phillies for 2006. I was home watching on tv when I got the call that forever changed our lives- the news that he was gone and we had to go on without him.
I have decided that I will celebrate his life... That on April 3rd I will do things that make me happy and are joyful. I have gone to the Phillies games the past 2 yrs, and today I bought my ticket for this years game.
Below is what Brandy had to say today about her sweet baby Seth. It is SO BEAUTIFUL I just wanted to share it. She says it better than I could ever try to. She is an amazing woman!

Kaleb is just over 2 years old and Kaeden is 4.5 months old. Kaleb loves to spend his time running around and playing to discover the world around him. With each “Wuv you” he utters my heart melts. Then there is that sweet baby Kaeden… the little dimple on his cheek, his sweet little smile, the way he be-bops his little body as he attempts to sit up. . . His little dimpled hands that reach up and grab at my cheek as he nurses, the way he leans over to investigate things on a deeper level. I am daily caught up in the gift that these boys are to our family. They are not taken for granted.

Yet despite how truly thankful and blessed I am every day of my life for these boys I am equally remind of their older brother. There are reminders in all that I see and do of our first born son. Some are there daily; while others are for a season.

The many dreams one has with the expectation of a child most can relate to. The desire to feel a tiny hand holding your own. The knowledge that the love expressed through your touch might bring more healing to a fevered body or a broken heart than any herb one could give. The longing to hear “Mommy, I love you!” The desire to be the one person who could make things all better for your children when the world was painful or unfair. The yearning for sweet slobbery kisses to be planted on your lips. A longing for a family to call your own. All these things one thinks of as a child grows in ones womb.

The seven months I was blessed enough to carry God’s precious child has left many memory triggers. Every time I throw up, pregnant or not, I’m reminded of how he made me so sick the whole pregnancy. Sweet, sweet baby! I thought I had the flu for the longest time before I realized I was actually pregnant. Often in the middle of the night I would wake up sick; and to settle my tummy I would always eat some cheeze it’s, while rubbing my belly and thinking about all the wonderful things this little person would grow to do. Certain foods that I craved, like steak (Logan loved this), pineapple, chips and salsa(especially from Los Cabos), peanuts and raisins…all remind me of my little angel as I eat them. Oh, can’t forget, root beer floats…my first craving ever!

I remember purchasing the first baby outfit for this little person. We didn’t want to know if it was a boy or a girl so it had to be something neutral. While at Sears one day I found this white pajama outfit that said Baby on it. I remember holding it to my belly and the little guy kicking…I bought it. I found myself pulling it out of the box that it was stored in and using it with his younger brother Kaeden. There are several little outfits and blankets that were given to me when the first baby Randolph was born. I have gradually been able to use them with both his brothers as I would have done if he had lived.

Certain times of year and places also remind me of that sweet heavenly creature. Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent envisioning life with a baby in our arms. That year after Thanksgiving was the last time we went up to Branson to stay with the Williams (something we hope to remedy soon). I remember rolling off of the air mattress and crawling over to the toilet for my morning sickness. Then walking out into the living room where their son was sleeping on the couch and him asking if I was ok. He didn’t realize I was 18 weeks pregnant. Then Christmas rolled around. I remember so many nights just lying on the couch rubbing my belly while staring at the Christmas lights trying to get my stomach to calm down, talking to the little miracle growing inside me. Dreaming of how different Christmas was going to be with a baby.

Then March rolls around and you have the Garden Show which we tend to go to every year; except for that year. I stayed home with my feet elevated trying to get the swelling to go down and my blood pressure to lower but with little success as we would find out Monday morning. That Monday morning, March 13, was the start of spring break and I found myself at the doctor’s office for my routine checkup. Unfortunately, it would be my last routine checkup and nothing about it was routine. Due to my excessive swelling, high blood pressure and few other tell tell signs I was sent to the hospital.

March 13 is just one of many dates that remind me of my first child. After being diagnosed with pre-eclampsia an emergency c-section was preformed for the safety of me and my first baby. As a result, four years ago I gave birth to the most amazing, perfect, healthy little boy. Granted he was seven weeks early but he was healthy; as was evident when he took his first breath and he let out his first cry. Still the most amazing sound I’ve ever heard! I got to see him long enough to kiss his little nose (as I’ve done with each of his brothers since). On March 16, 2006, Seth Logan Randolph entered this world changing my life as I knew it forever.

After just 18 days on this earth, our dear sweet baby entered heaven’s gates. We received two Willow tree’s after he passed. They are visual reminders of how much he is loved. I also like to think that as the wind blows through the leaves and the leaves find flight in the breeze they are carried away from the tree to destinations unknown. This visualization is a reminder of how many lives Seth has touched even if I can’t see it.

With so many reminders of our son I find that most of the time I walk gently through the day, not wishing to stir up the emotions. Very often I am successful, but on those that I am not, I am often surprised by how good it feels to cry. The tears of today stream right back to the tears of the past and I am reminded that a mother's love has no end and that is also something that I have learned not to take for granted.

The picture I stared at when I came off the ventilator and was still in ICU! My motivation to get better fast!
by Brandy Randolph
See- she is just so amazing...What a heartfelt thought! I am so proud of both of them, they have a beautiful family and have found JOY again... how can you not with these 2 wonderful boys, Kaleb & Kaeden!

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